The Trapped (& thankful) Tourist

I. have. become. a tourist. in. my. own. country.

All of it.  The gawking relentless staring, the constant analysis of human behavior patterns, the extremities of love/hate for the new-found circumstances...feeling alienated...disorientated.....with the cherry-on-top of obscure language barriers!

Imagine that.

I'm stuck between memories of a 27' floating world of simple solitude and daily pursuits of all kinds....to that of living out of a half empty backpack and a pair of worn tired feet crossing corners of South East Asia...and perhaps the most notable of these; nine months of timelessness with the mate of my entire soul and being.  

Noting that most readers probably want something to relate to here, I've decided it best to leave out the books worth of thoughts of an extremely sporadic-thinker-talker-feeler-dreamer-orange colored world wanter.... and  naturally, as a young-twenty-something-year-old-FEMALE....with the emotionalized daze gone through when sorting through a mixing pot of such obscure combinations of events all at once...I'm afraid it all would get lost in translation from my mind to yours anyhow.

So this is the United States, Michigan to be specific...Marquette to be even more...

Setting: Large Scale Grocery Stores


Get dressed and leave house = one girl in front of a (very packed) half-closet full of clothes.  After 9 months of mildew infested-boat shelves/satchels/half-empty-backpacks as a wardrobe for a girl who stopped wearing jeans and T-shirts the second she left high school and headed for Thailand......means absolute SHOCK of the amount of the variety of clothes I own...and am SHOCKED to think about getting dressed every day!  Therefore the dressing process was over an hour of outfit trying.....and leaving the house all dolled up...

and the destination?

GFS for toilet paper and paper towels.

How long was this strange gawking young lady there?  .......close to another hour.

Observation:  Stability takes planning...lots and lots of it.  I can no longer simply figure that I'm hungry then dish out a dollar for a meal in a dirty alleyway.  I fill a refrigerator and prepare breakfast, lunch and dinner (or ask Corey to)....before the point of nauseous reminders of hunger...or a husband who sends me the 'hungry sign' by sticking his hands on every cracker box in sight.  Obvious right?  Well not to this foreigner.

Observation: Americans should enjoy playing with their clothes...it spices up aisles of too much stuff...by simply thinking it as an adventure to foreign lands and exploring all the absurdities of bulk and redundant foods.  You don't have to succumb to buying, but you can sure have a fun time skipping around in dress boots and flaring skirts observing the articles in your own funky manner.

Setting: College Night

It was a night to get re-acquainted with the general Marquette society.  Corey and I tucked under a romantic glow in the corner of a pub packed with college students out to attain their distorted versions of "greatness in a night."  Again, my shins were eventually bruised from prompting kicks under the table from a Corey reminding me that I was absolutely gawking.  And later as I journeyed to another part of college night (note: I partake in this scene with many glasses of free water)....delight filled my veins with an astounding display of  musical melodic madness on the stage...with myself and the girlfriends of the rocking band as my dance comrades.  Man was I a groupie or what?

I don't think I've ever been more happy to hear live music in my life.

And let me just state: it was well known by every single observer there....that I was indeed extremely happy.  I know when people are taking their share at gawking at me from personal experience.  It's okay, because I do it too, you see?!

Observation: The life that is given to us is beautiful, music played by passionate musicians should be rocked out to even when the dance floor is relatively empty, and most importantly GOD fills my veins with JOY when I dance honoring Him, loving others and loving MUSIC.  I wouldn't be half as bold if I hadn't been already forced into the unwanted spotlight in numerous cultures for the past 5 years of my life around the world.

Observation: When filthy (acting) college boys have one motive in sparking conversation with me, it's completely glorious to throw the marriage/husband word out.  Problem solved.  American's respect marriage much more than Indian men...that is for sure and I am thankful to be home...and married of course.

Setting: Home


It's okay to break down and cry over eggs sometimes even when, you are in fact home.  Transition into stability isn't easy and it takes infinite balance.  Balancing the job search, with housekeeping, with friends, with God, with marriage, with food-making, with exercise, with your pastime passions are hard things to do!

But I, Meg Engelhart, refuse to give into the system that lets any of these keep me from my funky wayfaring adventure needing self.  Even if the adventure means scribbling on a page with all the crayons in my crayon box because I know I'm no good at drawing anyhow.  Live and let live...or whatever those cliches try to encompass for the world trying to figure out the balance between discipline and living.

I'm still refusing to succumb to the fear that would originally keep one from sticking out obviously in the crowd.

But this time as a spunky wife dressing a little less frumpy.

I'm still a tourist....so while I blah blah blog...about ordinary life, maybe you dear readers can just send a smile or two my way as I attempt to figure this whole new world out.

Yours completely and always true,
M