Inevitable Change

The process of an inevitable change is extremely challenging to accept. 

Watching my body develop in ways I wouldn't prefer, in the same way that the past two years have brought deep, unexpected and permanent changes within me as I have accepted the challenge of Biblical refinement to bring wholeness and freedom to my life. Last night as I dressed for the New Year, I was shocked to find my dress no longer hung nicely over my abs and hips as it once had.  I felt like a teenager trying to dress in clothes not adequate to her age or size.  Images surfaced of weeping in front of the mirror when I gained an unexpected 20 lbs my senior year (2007-2008) in Thailand when I was an exchange student. [Well okay, it wasn't completely unexpected, because the Rotary Club told us of the inevitable weight gain issue with exchange students...especially girls...but of course, "it wouldn't ever happen to meeee"...and...well...it did.]

This gain was pointedly due to lots of sticky rice and the uncontrollable fresh-out-of-high-school appetite [along with the additional lack of appeal to exercise in what feels like 100% humidity year round].  Of course, it didn't help that all my Thai friends, host families, and other Thai strangers or acquaintances never failed to point out in great detail and description that I was getting fatter than when I arrived. "Do you like Thai food?  You fat now!" which was totally and undeniably the truth.  For someone who has never struggled with weight, to being surrounded in a culture that doesn't have the least bit of filtration on exposing who is fat and who isn't....was not easy at times.  Especially when feeling oversized and out of place to begin with, as the only white exchange student the school of 4000 students has seen in 5 years. (Seriously, approx. 4000, I'll prove it: my Thai school's website: {http://schoolnet.org.za/learningcircles/pubs06/SS2/our%20school.htm}
Then like the cherry on top of these insecurity matters, when already feeling a foreigner to the land and to my own skin, having people come up and grab the extra chunk of meat on the midsection...just about did it.  Eventually...I came to accept it as what it was...and things all eventually returned back to normal upon my return home after 11 months abroad.  Nothing like joining the college cross country team [and getting paid to do it] and indulging on parent food [who had recently discovered the secrets to health: water and raw veggies...all...the...time].

But....aha.....I have gone down a rabbit trail, and really intended to bring up current matters on the mind in this blog.

 So, if you don't know already, this girl has a 3.5 month baby happening inside the womb.  [Some resources say the babe is currently about the size of an apple.]  Body changes to grow a baby, can you see the rabbit trail relevancy? Makes sense right?  Anyway, this morning after a food-related panic stricken exit from home to work, I came upon the following blog. She articulates this process in an eye opening way in her blog titled: Babies Ruin Bodies.  Here is a thoughtful excerpt (emphasis mine), and the blog address if you would like to read the entirety of the post:

"Lightening bolts on my sides proving I once was too small to contain all of the love that filled me. Lines indicating that my daughter once lived inside of me....Do you realize the significance in that? Every limb, finger, toe...her heart, even, developed near the very place my own heart beats inside of my chest. Those mountains of skin are all I have left to prove that we were once one and not two.
 How can I be ashamed of that? "
http://weseekjoy.blogspot.com/2013/12/babies-ruin-bodies.html

My eyes became watery re-reading that section, and hormone-induced or not, the truth remains.  I aim to begin this New Year, with that truth, looking no longer to my image, my self-built securities of "passion" or whatever they may be, but to the transformation that is occurring both physically and spiritually to contain a new life.  Looking to the truth, that all of this is no longer 'about me', it is about US.  Baby, father, and I, with God as our center, He who has the perfect and beautiful plan for our life.

And speaking of "self-built securities", to expand and explain, I couldn't help but fulfill the urge to respond to another blog that was drifting around Facebook provoking all sorts of responses.  I wouldn't recommend reading it if you've done some living and/or accept the wisdom of those that have.  Telling by the title "Things to do instead of getting engaged before you're 23", in essence, her feelings are pretty much summed up in the following excerpt:

"I can’t help but feel like a lot of these unions are a cop-out.
It is a way for young people to hide behind a significant other instead of dealing with life’s highs and lows on their own. It’s a safety blanket. It’s an admission that the world is just too big and scary to deal with it on your own; thus, you now have someone that is legally obligated to support you till one of you dies or files for divorce."
http://wanderonwards.com/2013/12/30/23-things-to-do-instead-of-getting-engaged-before-youre-23/

Looking beyond the sarcastic tones encompassing most of the text, I saw something deeper hidden, a reality surpassing the slightly absurd bias of her opinions.  This reality is something that a lot of young people face during the early years of their 20s. Though I obviously haven't lived in all decades of a lifespan, I believe this period is when the most life changing transformation occurs. The 20s are a time when youth blossoms into maturing adulthood, into discovering the delicate balances between rose-colored-eyes and sharp-blatant-reality-checks.

It certainly is much easier to hide behind "adventure" and "passion" in one's youth.  And naturally, everyone ages and matures differently.  However, I had to take my response to this blog, as a 23 year old pregnant and married woman, and recall how much adventuring I've experienced.  My passion was once defined by what 'I did', and how awesome it was to write home about, etc etc etc.  I foresaw myself continuing that lifestyle of "adventure" for the rest of my life, as a lifestyle not a hobby etc. 

I realize now, that I was totally right and totally wrong all at the same time.  Because, as one grows, the sense of adventure grows with them.  I will always seek to look at the world with my orange-colored-shades, yet at the same time, embrace some of the hard-edgy-realities like becoming a parent, and not living for myself anymore.

Perhaps adventure is better defined as doing something that "scares the hell out of you".  Literally and figuratively. 

You see, traveling the world, making my list of "23 awesome things to do before such and such" doesn't really excite me, and scare me all at the same time, as it once did during my late teen years and earlier 20s.  Flirting with temporary relationships or seeking after meaningless spiritual pursuits doesn't appeal to me or scare me in a good way, as in "the thrill of the ever expanding unknown" kind of thing.  I know now what the end result of all this "passion invoked adventure brings".  It's awesome for a time, but then the time fades, certain types of realities are realized and new journeys are left to be pursued.

C&M aboard Zephyrus for 4 months upon the unpredictable and often turbulent waters of the Great Lakes 2011. 

C&M the day of sister's wedding, when baby announcement finally began to become public. 

My changing body is a sign and a symbol of all of this.  My muscular body and flat abs are now going to develop to become a source of comfort and protection for my child.  As the body of youth will become a thing of the past, so will superficial needs for externalized adventures.  To take on more daunting and challenging journeys.  Things like finally acknowledging my need for a Savior, due to my helpless states of emotional chaos and arrogant mind. To acknowledge, I am human and very much in need of refinement.  Where I once saw the world of spirituality as this world of mystery and intrigue, I now see the rose-colored-glasses perspective are only helpful for so long, until that portion of reality emerges to cause one to take them off and see this rose-colored-so-called-god is actually a counterfeit of something more beautiful and more colorful and more dimensional than all the rose-colored-glass-gods in the world.  This One that permeates both the worlds-of-roses and sharp-realities, and brings them together in beautiful harmony.

So I'm not going to look to my superficial body, or these little adventures or the intrigue of spiritual journeys as some form of identity and purpose.  Because, this whole 'becoming a mother' thing, solidifies something greater.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made, wonderful are His works, and my soul knows it very well. [Psalm 139]

I am already made, completed and whole, because of the solidification that a Singular God has achieved through a Savior.

My soul knows this very well, in the sense, that many of the most extreme passions and personalities that my body contains, have already ran their races, found the dead ends and the byways.  Life can't always be some open-ended mystery path allowing our lives to be discerned by fears or feelings.  There are times for healthy change.  To discard youthful mentalities (we all have them) when appropriate, and adapt to some realities.  Because, with the combination of retrospect and wisdom, this whole life long journey thing, becomes a deeper spectrum of passions and adventures, as the singularity of the focus goes deeper into the root and foundation and source, and nothing, is more amazing than that.

And I'm going to end on this note.  One word summarizes it all, beautifully, simply, powerfully and completely.

Christ.

I am enabled to do all things through Him, because He strengthens me to do it.  To face these fears, adapt accordingly, and see the beauty within these inevitable changes. 

M