Inevitable Growth in Catch 22 Scenarios

Life is expanding within me, without me, and without my consent.  The fruit of the womb is a reward.

It's almost comical looking upon the aspects of my present life caught up in some "catch 22" category: 

"A contradictory or self-defeating course of action"

I was reminded of this in a short-handed way by waking up on April Fools Day....and while I was scheming a way to "get" my husband with the idea of proclaiming pre-term labor or something outlandish and unbelievable [yet worth a try of course]....little did I know, that the joke was "on us" already.  With the first power outage experience of two years...all my "productive plans" for the morning, quickly crumbled, leaving me a crazy coconut chaotic minded mess.  Wow, do we ever depend on electricity for all routine functions or what?  This meant to me, no productivity in the form of: No stretching exercises, No cooking, No computer/internet, No fridge, No vacuum.... I sat in defeat, and as I ate some of Corey's stash of cinnamon toast crunch, he said "You would have never eaten this two years ago."...which, as I tried to defend my non-religious-yet-healthy approach to food...I realized was quite true....even with my apples in it.

In my sugary defeat...I sat helpless and pathetic...with a gentle Corey coaxing me towards the options I still had.  As his rays of positivity left for work, a couple large tears left my eyes, even as I looked at the beautiful rising sun and awesome act of melting snow.  Self-pity sucks by the way. Cool thing was, the electricity came back on immediately after my accepting the state of things beyond my control...the acceptance came in the form of a 2 minute speed-shower (to conserve hot water for the downstairs tenants of course) and dressed in a "I'm-leaving-the-house-today" sort of attire.  Even with the electricity on, I set out to leave...when all of the sudden... all too quickly, the Life-filled part of me, stopped me in my tracks, and brought me to Romans 8:

"Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.  For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and of death." 

Ahh...it seemed as if oxygen refueled my brain as I improvised these words into a song and repeated them over and over and over for a half hour.  The reality that I am free from this condemnation of expectation that "I" have placed on myself by some earthly-minded standard of perfection and attainment.  It has nothing to do with society (I could "blame" my culture for making me this way or whatever), but the truth is, everything dysfunctional in this setting had to do with complete self-centerdness about how "I" can "be better" and "do better"...rather than accepting the spontaneous disruption to my plans and accepting things as they are.  Truth is, the 'once-sounding-cliche-yet-now-uncompromising-reality' of Christ's awesome perfection through the Spirit of Life accomplished by His sacrifice of life, was/is/will always be directly intended for all of what was chaos-ing up my life!  My self-centered-earthly-mindedness was consuming me entirely...bringing death all around me...until I looked to His Life.   Sheesh...and all this time it was so simple.  Stop focusing on what "Meg can do" and look at what "Christ has done"....well, yeah, its simplicity is offensive (no wonder it's such a hot topic of debate and persecution)...but when I accepted that this morning, the day did an immediate and absolute 180....  Let's face it, no amount of My-MEGA-Me could have EVER pulled me from a funk like that.  Trust me, I've tried my whole life...it doesn't work. 

In few words, this little and quite embarrassing scenario pretty much sums up this time in life for me.

While, my "earthly-minded" side would love to be preparing for the arrival of our Danforth William...I simply CAN'T!!!!  It's as if the power is out and all my hands and options are tied....except the option of accepting that which already IS. 

So when the nagging reminders come up from well-intending individuals...

"What are your plans for this summer..."

"Where are you moving after Corey graduates..."

"Are you setting up Danforth's nursery..."

"What 'things' do you need for your baby shower..."

We must simply explain, we have No plans, No direction, and No ability to accumulate "things" to accommodate the arrival of our son....because the "power is out" on our plans.  We simply cannot go forward until the uncontrollable circumstances and clarity of Corey's career comes.  I feel, that as we truly settle into that truth, accept the Jeremiah 29:11 plans of God for our lives...the power will come back on in the perfect, and appropriate time.  Until then, the No, No, and No's remain...and the wrath-like chaos of Meg or the desire-to-maintain-stability-for-our-family of Corey must quietly subside into that acceptance that there is no preparing and planning allowed quite yet...and we rest peacefully in the IS of what we have...while we await on the spontaneous and unpredictable timing when all the No's can resume into forward momentum once again.  Yet, this time, the resuming will come with the much needed air of deep gratitude for the arrival of that particular occurrence.  

You see, it's easy to take "the power" for granted.  When it's gone, immediately all plans get thwarted.  When it arrives back on, we can be appreciative that we don't have to keep our perishable food on trays of slushy snow (yep, I had that going on today) or cook our raw chicken over a literal fire so it doesn't spoil as quickly (yep, that too was a plan in my mind). 

In the same way, Corey and I are now forced into a position of acceptance with each other and with our circumstances.  The other day, when we got one of those dumb "WHY IS IT SNOWING, IT'S SPRING FOR GOODNESS SAKES!"....lake affect dumping of snow....rather than sitting in the gloomy-self-pity-state (which I was presently moving towards until Corey stepped in), we went for a smack-dab-in-the-middle-of-the-road midnight ski through the neighborhoods and along the lake.  It was the most unproductive ski of my life, alllll in the arms...not quite cold enough to get the necessary traction for the "kick" function of cross-country skiing.  Yet, it was one truly romantic moment with my husband.  The trees weighted with Narnian-like beauty...the quiet stillness of the night...our coats covered in white powdery snow....college students sledding down the streets... It didn't matter that we were going at no remarkable speed, it mattered that we were out of our beds, creating memories of future nostalgia.

Nostalgia is a thing worth creating, that's why Corey sent me this picture this morning.  He sought to remind me of the happiness we've shared....our engagement day.  This captured moment also happens to be surrounded by the remarkable summer of trials and triumphs of our 2011 summer upon Zephyrus, leading to our Holy Matrimony.  Pictures do speak a thousand words, especially to those who are in them and have a million-more worded memories surrounding those moments.

So in all of that, inevitable circumstances can do precisely two things to a person: Life or Death.

And I'll be the first to say, with my "contradictory or self-defeating course of action" attempts at productivity, planning, and accomplishment with wrong-mindedness and wrong-timing....it seems that an atmosphere of death occurs.  Yeah, death is an extreme word...but seriously...a woman who pouts in self pity at "her failed plans" while surrounded by a positive-supportive husband, a fridge full of food (regardless of its perishable vulnerabilities), a true well-worn home, a RISING SUN, melting snow, a living MIRACLE in her body....surely does not seem very free or life-bringing if you ask me.   

I don't know where you stand, with the whole offensive simplicity or redundantly preached message of Christ and Him crucified.  But compared to the rest of the world's options for "self-attainment" and "achievement" doctrines of spirituality or religion or even cultural expectations....I'll be the first to say, I need a savior...I suck at functioning without one.  No other belief or philosophy offers a savior [or saving mechanism] that has ALREADY accomplished what's needed...they certainly offer up options to "strive" or "achieve" or "attain" a better route in life, but so often, it ends up being by our own strength that we do such things.  I am weakly perishing and I am nothing apart from Jesus.

And sometimes, He corners me with these irritating Catch 22 scenarios, to remind me of that. And without my doing, without my control, I grow from inevitable unchangeable circumstances into a woman that is absolutely and abundantly rewarded! 

Now that's a true lover.  

M

PS, click here for my expression of Psalm 127 "The Fruit of the Womb is a Reward." 

These lyrics 'just so happen' to encapsulate everything I was just speaking of...yet with much more inspiration, history, depth, and simply substantial eloquence. (:  Blessings.