The Conflict, the Time, AND...
In this point in the journey of finding beauty in perspective within the day-to-day, I was deep in thought when I realized the importance of using these less exciting and more regular moments in life, to look back and reflect on where one has come from.
And this one (blog) is for the man who gave me the time.
Hear me out. This is positive stuff right here.
It began with a usual scene, in preparing for dinner, the day was long. Man after work day, tired and hungry getting home, knowing he well deserves some down time. Woman after home day battling a ferocious emotional demand all day handling the details of a life (or in some cases, lives plural when handing children) that do not typically have tangible outcomes (like financially or otherwise). Either rightly deserve a break and either rightly deserve acknowledgement for their hard work.
Something happens, like a hot pan damaging the counter or the food process not going as one would want it to, and blame is passed. The moment can/usually ends up going one of two directions.
It can go into a 3 hour frustrating fury of word exchanges, confusing emotional drama, and hurt feelings without a resolve.
It can get shoved into a deep closet of unresolved conflict that ever increase the separation of two people that began a journey together of the intent to love one another in anger and in peace (perhaps otherwise noted as sickness and health..?)
Right?
Which one of us did not grow up in families experiencing one or the other?
Well, I want to introduce to you one thing,
the AND.
Now, before I get too into what the AND is all about and what kind of beauty it produces in a relationship, I want to warn, that the AND involves patience. It involves time. You might already be thinking, "yea yeah, relationships take time to figure out all the issues, heard it all before."
But, what if, what if, it didn't always require the AMOUNT of time assumed?
It is consistent, that men are often overwhelmed by the amount of time it takes for a woman to verbally process her plethora of emotions. They want to fix things and the woman doesn't want to be summed up and fixed. The man has a limited attention span, and the woman wants a safe place to be heard. Ohh the relational paradoxes.
Of course, like any statement, rarely can we fit everyone into the same category. However, I feel prompted to share regardless, as my circumstances have offered something I find very cherished and worth sharing.
The first years of our marriage reflected, what I know to be EQUAL parts of the honeymoon phase and that of the multitude of aggravating challenges two people can experience when sharing life together. I would get so angry when people would note my beaming shiny love and account it to being in "the honeymoon phase." I wanted to promptly explain about the hurdles we worked through, and the quality years of time spent in friendship before we ever even started dating. That we weren't merely blinded by love to the realities of relationship. But whatever, I know the relationship cliches aren't about to end by one woman's aggravation with summaries, and all cliches and summaries and stereotypes do start with some degree of truth.
And now, I get around to the point of this. Something Corey did for me that is rare among men. He gave me the option to work towards an AND in our relationship.
Corey was content in letting his wife be emotionally crazy and frustrated with the parts of their relationship that were less than perfect. He demonstrated this contentment by not trying to make her stop being emotionally crazy. He let her cry in closets, he let her storm out of rooms, he let her get upset by completely irrational things...and didn't give into the drama, very kindly of course.
AND...
He let her keep him up until 3:00am, time and time again, processing the parts of their relationship that were what initiated her meltdown. While fighting the heaviest of heavy eyelids and the pull for sleep, the oncoming workday the next day, he didn't once tell her to just figure it out so he could go to sleep. Certainly, he did threaten to leave the house/room/conversation when she would begin to attack him. And there were definitely many less-than-perfect conversations, and plenty that took place during other parts of the day. But the difference was, they were allowed to get resolved.
And the resolve was not with the intent of a temporary conclusion to start over the cycle of madness the next time it happened. But to create building blocks and reference points as the times would come.
One of the biggest heartbreaks, is when conflict arises and it remains un-concluded. It lingers, and it hurts, it buries, and hurts again when dug up and referenced to, or just completely left seemingly unnoticed.
One of the biggest growing points, is when conflict is allowed to be conflict worked through to a firm conclusion and understanding. When it arrises, there is a place to begin from.
Its been 4 years of marriage, and 7 years of friendship, and I'm pretty freakin proud of our communication.
When the above story happened the other day, I already knew the outcome of the fiery emotional response I wanted to ignite...because we have had plenty of those moments. Over the years, Corey allowed me to know the fullest extent and experience of those frustrations, while not ever compromising himself as a victim to my angers. In his patience, and time spent listening to my processing, he allowed me to find the conclusions I was looking for, knowing that I wanted GOOD in our relationship, not just an excuse to talk for hours.
AND as a result of all those hours of listening and giving gentle feedback and defending his position, when the moments arise, we're closer and closer able to reference the conclusions in a single statement and bypass the 3 hours of drama.
We're working as a team. We're walking in resolutions made from many hours of hard work.
The advice;
don't be afraid of conflict,
give the conflict patience and time to search out resolutions,
build off of those resolutions and reference them,
and remember to laugh at the absurdities of the whole situation, all while never compromising the importance of the moment of conflict.
I say this, to primarily thank that man. That when he gave this woman time, urged her to find conclusions and held onto those conclusions together, over time, we learned to get through things in the one or two sentence exchange men always dream of. For allowing the conflict AND resolution to that conflict.
It's beautiful.
Thanks Corey, for the years of letting me be a whole-hearted woman of passion and words, and letting me grow in communication with you.
Happy 4th Anniversary,
I love you,
Meg
And this one (blog) is for the man who gave me the time.
Hear me out. This is positive stuff right here.
It began with a usual scene, in preparing for dinner, the day was long. Man after work day, tired and hungry getting home, knowing he well deserves some down time. Woman after home day battling a ferocious emotional demand all day handling the details of a life (or in some cases, lives plural when handing children) that do not typically have tangible outcomes (like financially or otherwise). Either rightly deserve a break and either rightly deserve acknowledgement for their hard work.
Something happens, like a hot pan damaging the counter or the food process not going as one would want it to, and blame is passed. The moment can/usually ends up going one of two directions.
It can go into a 3 hour frustrating fury of word exchanges, confusing emotional drama, and hurt feelings without a resolve.
It can get shoved into a deep closet of unresolved conflict that ever increase the separation of two people that began a journey together of the intent to love one another in anger and in peace (perhaps otherwise noted as sickness and health..?)
Right?
Which one of us did not grow up in families experiencing one or the other?
Well, I want to introduce to you one thing,
the AND.
Now, before I get too into what the AND is all about and what kind of beauty it produces in a relationship, I want to warn, that the AND involves patience. It involves time. You might already be thinking, "yea yeah, relationships take time to figure out all the issues, heard it all before."
But, what if, what if, it didn't always require the AMOUNT of time assumed?
It is consistent, that men are often overwhelmed by the amount of time it takes for a woman to verbally process her plethora of emotions. They want to fix things and the woman doesn't want to be summed up and fixed. The man has a limited attention span, and the woman wants a safe place to be heard. Ohh the relational paradoxes.
Of course, like any statement, rarely can we fit everyone into the same category. However, I feel prompted to share regardless, as my circumstances have offered something I find very cherished and worth sharing.
The first years of our marriage reflected, what I know to be EQUAL parts of the honeymoon phase and that of the multitude of aggravating challenges two people can experience when sharing life together. I would get so angry when people would note my beaming shiny love and account it to being in "the honeymoon phase." I wanted to promptly explain about the hurdles we worked through, and the quality years of time spent in friendship before we ever even started dating. That we weren't merely blinded by love to the realities of relationship. But whatever, I know the relationship cliches aren't about to end by one woman's aggravation with summaries, and all cliches and summaries and stereotypes do start with some degree of truth.
And now, I get around to the point of this. Something Corey did for me that is rare among men. He gave me the option to work towards an AND in our relationship.
Corey was content in letting his wife be emotionally crazy and frustrated with the parts of their relationship that were less than perfect. He demonstrated this contentment by not trying to make her stop being emotionally crazy. He let her cry in closets, he let her storm out of rooms, he let her get upset by completely irrational things...and didn't give into the drama, very kindly of course.
AND...
He let her keep him up until 3:00am, time and time again, processing the parts of their relationship that were what initiated her meltdown. While fighting the heaviest of heavy eyelids and the pull for sleep, the oncoming workday the next day, he didn't once tell her to just figure it out so he could go to sleep. Certainly, he did threaten to leave the house/room/conversation when she would begin to attack him. And there were definitely many less-than-perfect conversations, and plenty that took place during other parts of the day. But the difference was, they were allowed to get resolved.
And the resolve was not with the intent of a temporary conclusion to start over the cycle of madness the next time it happened. But to create building blocks and reference points as the times would come.
One of the biggest heartbreaks, is when conflict arises and it remains un-concluded. It lingers, and it hurts, it buries, and hurts again when dug up and referenced to, or just completely left seemingly unnoticed.
One of the biggest growing points, is when conflict is allowed to be conflict worked through to a firm conclusion and understanding. When it arrises, there is a place to begin from.
Its been 4 years of marriage, and 7 years of friendship, and I'm pretty freakin proud of our communication.
When the above story happened the other day, I already knew the outcome of the fiery emotional response I wanted to ignite...because we have had plenty of those moments. Over the years, Corey allowed me to know the fullest extent and experience of those frustrations, while not ever compromising himself as a victim to my angers. In his patience, and time spent listening to my processing, he allowed me to find the conclusions I was looking for, knowing that I wanted GOOD in our relationship, not just an excuse to talk for hours.
AND as a result of all those hours of listening and giving gentle feedback and defending his position, when the moments arise, we're closer and closer able to reference the conclusions in a single statement and bypass the 3 hours of drama.
We're working as a team. We're walking in resolutions made from many hours of hard work.
The advice;
don't be afraid of conflict,
give the conflict patience and time to search out resolutions,
build off of those resolutions and reference them,
and remember to laugh at the absurdities of the whole situation, all while never compromising the importance of the moment of conflict.
I say this, to primarily thank that man. That when he gave this woman time, urged her to find conclusions and held onto those conclusions together, over time, we learned to get through things in the one or two sentence exchange men always dream of. For allowing the conflict AND resolution to that conflict.
It's beautiful.
Thanks Corey, for the years of letting me be a whole-hearted woman of passion and words, and letting me grow in communication with you.
Happy 4th Anniversary,
I love you,
Meg
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| October 1st, 2011 -Suttons Bay, Michigan |
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| October 1st, 2012 & 2013 Sugarloaf Marquette, MI |
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| October 1st, 2014 Austin, Texas |
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| October 1st, 2015 Austin, Texas |
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