Peace for now and Longing for Then
But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession, so that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called you out of darkness into His marvelous light, for you once were not a people but now you are the people of God, you had not received mercy but now you have received mercy.
I've been hidden away, underground, under the surface of dark mysterious waters. Questioning my worth to this world, knowing I'm made for more. Being frustrated with my lack of contentment and my lack of ability to chill in stillness.
In that, I was taken through that journey of rigid structured time frames through various means like mothering, housewife-ing, and being a student for 9 months. I put my dreams aside temporarily, like planting seeds upon a back burner, risking the loss of all that I felt was beautiful of my heart and soul meant to share with the world. My musical endeavors, my fiction novel, my love for a hidden treasure of knowledge I long for people to have access, awareness, and the option of (aka, natural family planning).....and I even put my dresses aside and began wearing shorts and pants for the first time in years.
When I felt dead, as a tree does in winter, feeling the distance from spring as a great eternity, a friend spoke that she saw me not as a dead dreary tree, but rather a tree whose branches were thickening.
In all my pursuits of radical moments to live out fantastic stories to experience and share, I genuinely sought to live a full life and not begin to take my youthful zeal and energy for granted. And then, unexpectedly, it was all lost for a season, and the thoughts of being lost "for good" came my way as well, though not hauntingly, just simply passing as a possible fact.
I came to terms with it. With the reality that endeavors are shallow if they can't survive death, even if just temporarily. That endeavors are shallow if they don't have roots that hold by True waters.
However, in my winter, as a spring breeze does, things passed by my way. Warmth. A podcast about motherhood, a podcast about creativity, and a book about Desire.
Manna in my desert.
Things that allured my soul back into a state of dreaming, of thoughts of creative projects, of how being an individual in motherhood actually might take form in my specific personality, of spontaneous singing in the garage. My voice echoed again out of my chest with a bubbling kind of joy almost taking my breath away in spurts. Even though I was just singing towards my bathtub or the rotting panels of our garage.
CS Lewis stirred me up with his old words spoken directly to my seemingly dead tree state, "I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you--the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence."
And along with that, a Romans excerpt from The Message.."That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy"
Followed by words from another author..."There is actually a sweet pain in longing if we will let it draw our hearts homeward."
The "sweet pain in longing" for more began to come. I faced the question, "What is my ultimate desire in this life?" To which I responded:
To experience and express beauty in overwhelmingly profound ways.
May my days be full of flowery dresses with happy songs, and skinny jeans with bluesy tunes, and nakedness with vulnerability.
That I would never confine myself to one image nor God Himself, that I may see glimpses of Life in the shadowy reflections of all that is True and Beautiful and Promised. And extend others to be so themselves that same kind of freedom.
And for the rest of the world, family, and friends, that they would discover the joy and abandon that a life of passion for the True and Right things may bring.
Several pivotal conversations with Corey and lots of time in the Word allowed me to see the pits of my ugliness and then receive a covering of unbelievable Grace. I began to see some of the degree to which I'm defining my worth by works as well as seeing the degree that I am naturally a driven passionate woman.
I began to see the validity of my discontentment. It serves purposes, though not to suffocate me in an ever-achieving-never-reaching-goal-setting cycle of eastern religious self-works based attainment. Rather, it speaks to an Eve in exile, knowing she was made for more.
And Restoration began to set in.
Corey and I spent several days of silence together in "the woods" as I call it, though in form it took shape more of sandy rocks, cacti, mischievous raccoons, and a gigantic mass of granite. A portion of the quote at the entrance to the trail summarized my time there in some aspects:
"My heart feels lighter, my mind feels calmer, and my senses feel tuned...."
I recall five years ago, spending several days in silence with Corey upon large pink granite rocks in another wide expanse of beauty and open skies. (Read past blog: Silence, Solitude, and Smooth Pink Heaven, September of 2011) I see there, the dream in my eyes, the air of continually setting out on a huge journey, the oblivion to the realities of maturing. Yet again, in the silence, I found something strikingly similar, yet even far more beautiful than all those dreams of the five years ago me.
I found the peace of the place I am in, and tightly woven within that fabric, a longing for more. For a woods that does not have fallen trees and poky hurtful things, for a mind that absorbs the beauty better, for open skies that do not have airplanes, for animals that do not cause harm and mischief, for dreams to have tangible realness, for relationships to experience love without so much complication.
Oh God, what am I saying? Am I not encapsulating the quest of a woman seeking her home? Folks, this world is not our home, and that's okay. But by beautiful Grace, we experience beauty, and we can partake in it, and share it, and delight in it. And out there, in the silence, I saw both.
Today, I literally fell, meaning collapsed, to the ground, in deep deep cries of my soul, such as I have very possibly never experienced. It was a cry far beyond my own personal sorrows. It was a cry for the injustice of distorted truth and fallacy among human spiritual quests.
We (Corey and I) thought we had possibly found a genuine **community, where we had only found a place where people wanted their ears tickled with things that only hint at or slightly resemble home without actually guiding one There. Where people want to make peace with this world as it is and call it home. Where people want to silence the true Deep Desire that longs for More.
**[clarification: this refers to a church we visited several times, this is NOT the Austin Stone or our community of family/friends mentioned in past blogs, whom we have found to be continually genuine and doctrinally sound]
I stood up to the leader of this place, in question and sincerity. Challenged these things, these compromises. I left this person, this community, in heavy wet tears not out of offense or disappointment, but because when man places themselves at the center, they miss out on the Whole Truth of an all consuming Fire of Beauty and unimaginable Love that lasts for an Eternity. And one that is so separate from our ability to understand, it allows us to be fully human to a degree that both offends and liberates.
It's pretty cool.
So to speak to the discouraged, may we pray for Revival of our soul and identity, that it may be rooted in the True source and not some shadowy 2-Dimensional attempt at fulfillment. That we may find peace with now and let it coexist with longing for Then. That we may be offended at the greatness of a greater God so that we may be liberated by Him to be bearers of impossible beauty and grace.
And when I say impossible beauty, it might take the form of restoring difficult relationships, communicating our weaknesses when we want to justify them, facing insecurity head on and tackling it with Truth, demonstrating weakness in form of repentance about ugly stuff that comes up and letting other people love us through it. It's allowing disagreement as a means to grow deeper in finding peace in places where there is no earthly logical way for peace.
The reality is, I don't have to fit in here nor need I be entirely content.
I am "a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession so that" I "may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called" me "out of darkness into His marvelous light. For" I "once was not a people but now" I am "the people of God" I "had not received mercy but now" I "have received mercy"
And because I have received mercy, I sing, and I sing loud. I stand up when there is injustice. I write stories of redemption. I hug my child, and I hug him deeply. I share beautiful things that challenge me to grow and to love well. I create things that bring joy, just because.
It's not because I deserve any of it, but because I've received.
So in that, may I also freely give.
Thanks for reading,
M
I've been hidden away, underground, under the surface of dark mysterious waters. Questioning my worth to this world, knowing I'm made for more. Being frustrated with my lack of contentment and my lack of ability to chill in stillness.
In that, I was taken through that journey of rigid structured time frames through various means like mothering, housewife-ing, and being a student for 9 months. I put my dreams aside temporarily, like planting seeds upon a back burner, risking the loss of all that I felt was beautiful of my heart and soul meant to share with the world. My musical endeavors, my fiction novel, my love for a hidden treasure of knowledge I long for people to have access, awareness, and the option of (aka, natural family planning).....and I even put my dresses aside and began wearing shorts and pants for the first time in years.
When I felt dead, as a tree does in winter, feeling the distance from spring as a great eternity, a friend spoke that she saw me not as a dead dreary tree, but rather a tree whose branches were thickening.
In all my pursuits of radical moments to live out fantastic stories to experience and share, I genuinely sought to live a full life and not begin to take my youthful zeal and energy for granted. And then, unexpectedly, it was all lost for a season, and the thoughts of being lost "for good" came my way as well, though not hauntingly, just simply passing as a possible fact.
I came to terms with it. With the reality that endeavors are shallow if they can't survive death, even if just temporarily. That endeavors are shallow if they don't have roots that hold by True waters.
However, in my winter, as a spring breeze does, things passed by my way. Warmth. A podcast about motherhood, a podcast about creativity, and a book about Desire.
Manna in my desert.
Things that allured my soul back into a state of dreaming, of thoughts of creative projects, of how being an individual in motherhood actually might take form in my specific personality, of spontaneous singing in the garage. My voice echoed again out of my chest with a bubbling kind of joy almost taking my breath away in spurts. Even though I was just singing towards my bathtub or the rotting panels of our garage.
CS Lewis stirred me up with his old words spoken directly to my seemingly dead tree state, "I am almost committing an indecency. I am trying to rip open the inconsolable secret in each one of you--the secret which hurts so much that you take your revenge on it by calling it names like Nostalgia and Romanticism and Adolescence."
And along with that, a Romans excerpt from The Message.."That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don't see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy"
Followed by words from another author..."There is actually a sweet pain in longing if we will let it draw our hearts homeward."
The "sweet pain in longing" for more began to come. I faced the question, "What is my ultimate desire in this life?" To which I responded:
To experience and express beauty in overwhelmingly profound ways.
May my days be full of flowery dresses with happy songs, and skinny jeans with bluesy tunes, and nakedness with vulnerability.
That I would never confine myself to one image nor God Himself, that I may see glimpses of Life in the shadowy reflections of all that is True and Beautiful and Promised. And extend others to be so themselves that same kind of freedom.
And for the rest of the world, family, and friends, that they would discover the joy and abandon that a life of passion for the True and Right things may bring.
Several pivotal conversations with Corey and lots of time in the Word allowed me to see the pits of my ugliness and then receive a covering of unbelievable Grace. I began to see some of the degree to which I'm defining my worth by works as well as seeing the degree that I am naturally a driven passionate woman.
I began to see the validity of my discontentment. It serves purposes, though not to suffocate me in an ever-achieving-never-reaching-goal-setting cycle of eastern religious self-works based attainment. Rather, it speaks to an Eve in exile, knowing she was made for more.
And Restoration began to set in.
Corey and I spent several days of silence together in "the woods" as I call it, though in form it took shape more of sandy rocks, cacti, mischievous raccoons, and a gigantic mass of granite. A portion of the quote at the entrance to the trail summarized my time there in some aspects:
"My heart feels lighter, my mind feels calmer, and my senses feel tuned...."
I recall five years ago, spending several days in silence with Corey upon large pink granite rocks in another wide expanse of beauty and open skies. (Read past blog: Silence, Solitude, and Smooth Pink Heaven, September of 2011) I see there, the dream in my eyes, the air of continually setting out on a huge journey, the oblivion to the realities of maturing. Yet again, in the silence, I found something strikingly similar, yet even far more beautiful than all those dreams of the five years ago me.
I found the peace of the place I am in, and tightly woven within that fabric, a longing for more. For a woods that does not have fallen trees and poky hurtful things, for a mind that absorbs the beauty better, for open skies that do not have airplanes, for animals that do not cause harm and mischief, for dreams to have tangible realness, for relationships to experience love without so much complication.
Oh God, what am I saying? Am I not encapsulating the quest of a woman seeking her home? Folks, this world is not our home, and that's okay. But by beautiful Grace, we experience beauty, and we can partake in it, and share it, and delight in it. And out there, in the silence, I saw both.
Today, I literally fell, meaning collapsed, to the ground, in deep deep cries of my soul, such as I have very possibly never experienced. It was a cry far beyond my own personal sorrows. It was a cry for the injustice of distorted truth and fallacy among human spiritual quests.
We (Corey and I) thought we had possibly found a genuine **community, where we had only found a place where people wanted their ears tickled with things that only hint at or slightly resemble home without actually guiding one There. Where people want to make peace with this world as it is and call it home. Where people want to silence the true Deep Desire that longs for More.
**[clarification: this refers to a church we visited several times, this is NOT the Austin Stone or our community of family/friends mentioned in past blogs, whom we have found to be continually genuine and doctrinally sound]
I stood up to the leader of this place, in question and sincerity. Challenged these things, these compromises. I left this person, this community, in heavy wet tears not out of offense or disappointment, but because when man places themselves at the center, they miss out on the Whole Truth of an all consuming Fire of Beauty and unimaginable Love that lasts for an Eternity. And one that is so separate from our ability to understand, it allows us to be fully human to a degree that both offends and liberates.
It's pretty cool.
So to speak to the discouraged, may we pray for Revival of our soul and identity, that it may be rooted in the True source and not some shadowy 2-Dimensional attempt at fulfillment. That we may find peace with now and let it coexist with longing for Then. That we may be offended at the greatness of a greater God so that we may be liberated by Him to be bearers of impossible beauty and grace.
And when I say impossible beauty, it might take the form of restoring difficult relationships, communicating our weaknesses when we want to justify them, facing insecurity head on and tackling it with Truth, demonstrating weakness in form of repentance about ugly stuff that comes up and letting other people love us through it. It's allowing disagreement as a means to grow deeper in finding peace in places where there is no earthly logical way for peace.
The reality is, I don't have to fit in here nor need I be entirely content.
I am "a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for God's own possession so that" I "may proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called" me "out of darkness into His marvelous light. For" I "once was not a people but now" I am "the people of God" I "had not received mercy but now" I "have received mercy"
And because I have received mercy, I sing, and I sing loud. I stand up when there is injustice. I write stories of redemption. I hug my child, and I hug him deeply. I share beautiful things that challenge me to grow and to love well. I create things that bring joy, just because.
It's not because I deserve any of it, but because I've received.
So in that, may I also freely give.
Thanks for reading,
M
Comments