The 9 months of E.L.U.S.I.V.E. Lessons

On my end, there has been an unusual amount of silence these past months.  It seems the usual words and songs I am so wired to compose to encapsulate the moments of life for future remembering and present processing...just aren't coming.

I've often felt a foreigner to myself.

Most of that is placed on this particular pregnancy, the hormones that have come with it, and the spectrum of highs and lows that have resulted.

The highs have been sweeter in some ways, coming with a sort of heightened sense of the small and sweet thread within which our human existence interacts with the greater tapestry of history.  These moments of awareness come with a deep drive to nurture and embrace this life with such an aching intensity to be all that I am meant to be, and enable others in that also.

However, that intensity for life also contributes to some very deep lows.   It's as if all the usual depths of thought I tend towards, are brought to their greatest extremes. And the usual filters of logic or perspective which usually make them more manageable seem powerless and absent.  I've come to see these thoughts that provoke such emotion are as true and real as ever.  To neglect them and discount them as mere "hormonal emotions" would be to discount an entire dimension of myself as a person. The difficulty though, has been navigating through these wild seas of turbulence and waves with patches of overcast dark stillness, to find that island of understanding that brings all the emotion and the thought to its proper place and function.  And then, of course, a patient man at my side trying his best to hold on for the ride with all possible patience and kindness, to get to that island of understanding with me...is a whole other journey in itself.

But....these are all still arbitrary and vague and incomprehensible terms (welcome to my mind), and don't necessarily capture a whole lot of imagery for what these past months have been.  So to stay true to where my mind has been, I'll work to condense my thoughts, in all their elusive ways.

There are a thousand things to say, and a hundred different directions to take to say them.  Thus, illustrating the past months in words seems impossible.  As a result, I decided to quarantine my thoughts within the structure and confines of an acronym.  Here's an attempt to capture some of the nuggets of thought and beauty that have come through some of the most ELUSIVE months of my mind's life so far;

E-Eternity

Eternity is set on my heart. This has to do with the Creator of galaxies designing me as an individual person with a specific niche to pursue within the vast expanses of the universe. My small story is one of the beautifully colored threads woven into the eternally great picture at work. I am hardwired to live towards something, something big, something beautiful, something great.

This imagery, often laying on the forefront of my mind, propels me through my days with an intensity to not miss moments where I can be fully engaged in living out this great story. I live with an almost constant awareness that there is far more to life than the "here and now." Thus enters in the drama and conflict of my turbulence.

The day-to-days. When necessary repetition and monotony fill the days. The work week of 9 to 5, or in our case, 6 to 6. The constant duties required to sustain and nurture our beautiful, but oh so dependent and needy toddler. The ferriswheel of food purchasing & food combining to sustain a household that values nutrition. And while this might sound like normal business to some, the most soul crushing part of these rhythms for me is not the tasks and schedules and chores...but rather, the empty, unstructured, unfocused time that hovers over the days.

And this, this, timeless, unfocused, drifting, existence, is where I get... Dramatic. Depressed.  Frustrated.  Angry.

And while our world, this culture, and the thriving city we live in offer countless ways to fill the time.  I can't do it that way.  It's emptiness.

Those grandeur expanses, the quests for beauty, the adventures not driven by comfort or convenience or planning, but by the pursuit of 'feeling alive'.  These are things my soul is wired for.  To deny that and fill the days with organized activities, and comfort, and structure, is to crush the seed and tell it to grow into something else.

In the midst of the monotony, there are always beams of radiant joy that fill the motherhood days. As I follow the lead of my son discovering his world, as I teach him to see and observe and experience the moments around him, as I discipline him and see moments of growth that resemble his father's dignity, as we begin to have conversations and jokes together.  To discount those joys would be to crush and deny a part of me I never knew could exist.  The part of a woman that is born when her child is.

But I still ache for the things that are wired into my soul as an individual, one that is separate from my role as a mother and wife.  This is the part I speak of, the one that feels crushed by superficial business and too much order and schedule and comfort.   This is where the next segment of my acronym takes the wheel;

L-Life Lost

There is a common and well known quote of Jesus coming from Mark 8.  "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me.  For whoever wishes to save(find) his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save(find) it.  For what does it profit a man to gain the whole world, and forfeit his soul?  For what will a man give in exchange for his soul?" 

We've all probably heard it.  It's beautiful in so many ways.  It's also offensive.  It also comes with a lot of history of Christian nuances about "dying completely to self" and to only have Christ for our source life.  Which is true in some sense, in many senses.  But I wrestle with the extreme mentality that comes with an expectation to completely let go of all the things that define me as an individual. To let my present circumstances take those places, and find complete satisfaction with an intellectual experience and relationship with Christ.

I look at the direction and pursuits of my life before Jesus intersected me...and I see passion and beauty.  But a kind that was temporary.  I see how the life I fabricated and formed and pursued, had its short lived glory days, that soon turned into a selfish world with a lot of hurts caused.  My life, when absent from the foundation and direction and stability of a good Leader, doesn't amount to much more than whimsical tickling of the senses, and lacks true substance.

Then I see how my life changed since I welcomed Christ to give me His parameters and life for me.  With all the incredible fruits that this has brought, there is still a process of learning to love the direction my life has taken with Him, which is sometimes so very very far from where I would naturally go.  There has been a sort of waiting for me, for about five years now, for specific direction and clarity to understand who I am, specifically what I am created for.

And the arrival of this pregnancy, brought me from a time of abundant music expression and creativity and community....to more isolation, emotion, and heaviness than I've ever experienced before.  And this is where the next acronym steps in;

U-Understanding

Understanding brokenness that is. When I went through the physical pain of laboring and delivering and healing from Danforth's birth, I knew there was good in it. In the middle of the night, when groaning and aching, and tears were in plenty...I knew, without hesitation, that I was being formed into a more compassionate person for those who experience pain. And similarly, I don't doubt that the heaviness of emotion during this pregnancy is a gift with similar functions. Both for others, and to come to terms with my own limitations. Being more acquainted with my weakness and limitations. And in that, learning how to receive from others. Which brings me to the next acronym segment;

S-Sisters

One of the people I've hurt the most over the years, is my very own flesh and blood sister. She has experienced the gamut of mental and physical health trials and tribulations. I, on the other hand, have not. And over these decades of our life together, I have so often acted superior in my understanding and advice of the situation. Oh how easy it is to give advice and opinion. This year was extremely redemptive at restoring relationship for us, as we reversed roles for one of the first times, and she stood on the firm and stable ground when I came to her in emotional struggle. I began to see through her eyes, and she, through mine. We began to understand one another in ways we could not before, what it's like to be on the other side. What its like to share and receive words of vulnerability and words of encouragement in the right timing and way.

Which brings me to the next letter of the acronym,

I-In time

This whole acronym started out with thoughts on Eternity prompted by these words in Ecclesiastes 3 which has an entirely lengthy lead in about the timing for everything, then goes on to say...
"He has made everything appropriate in its time. He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end"

In this pregnancy, the weightiness of my thought life has actually brought about some beautiful lessons in timing.  There are several kinds of lessons, but one of the most important has been specifically with my words.  I've grown this year, in a new sensitivity to the timing of my words for others. No matter how true or necessary they might be, they aren't always urgent to the given situation.  This doesn't mean silence or softspoken words all the time either, but discerning what moments my words are for.

I recently withheld from speaking a rapid word of correction, and I later experienced that same person seeking me out for advice on the very topic.  In the right moment, my words could serve as valuable wisdom that was well received.  Aggressive frustration can become articulate helpful information when it is expressed in its right moment, separate from the urgency of the emotion, though not diminishing it.  Anger caused by another's insensitivity, can be fuel to the furnace of prayer to God who is the only one who changes hearts.   On and on it goes.

The most helpful tool to navigating these moments serving as a way of reminding me what my words are for, has come from Ephesians 4;
"Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear." 

Though this whole timing thing requires some serious supernatural patience in the moment, the fruit is absolutely delicious.  And encouraging to continue on in word patience and filtration.

Similarly, I am learning these dreams and drives in me, are as good and true as ever, they simply have a proper place and timeframe in which they are designed to fit.  And while in many ways, it is clearly not just yet, it doesn't mean it should be put away entirely on a shelf collecting dust. Which brings me to my next acronym letter;

V-Vessel

In the meantime, while waiting, I'm learning about what it means to be a vessel. A vessel is an empty container, one that holds substances that would otherwise spill out every which way. A vessel is a boat, that enables humans and things to cross mass expanses of sea and effectively get elsewhere.

In the space and time of the days that aggravate me with the lack of direction and surplus of arbitrary time slots, I began to see the opportunities around me to be a vessel. Including, opening my eyes to the ways I have already been one. Rather than conjuring ways to fill my time, I realized the joy in enabling others who know what direction they'd like to go, but lack companionship or initiation or help do to so. In a sense, in areas of emptiness I'm experiencing in the waiting, I see the capacity and space in me to come around others and help them move forward. There is nothing quite like seeing the life and light come into eyes that have had dreams or thoughts that might have been going stale, come instead to fruition and life. And to get a behind the scenes satisfaction of seeing joy brought to others. A kind of joy that would not otherwise exist without taking a needed support role in that circumstance.

In stepping out of my own whirlwind of thought and frustration, I realize that each person, in varying degrees, has things they want to pursue and grow in also. The tiny bits of encouragement or practical help coming alongside someone, goes an extremely, extremely long way, which brings me to the final letter of my lessons;

E-Encouragement

What would we be without it? I am not just talking about the verbal cheerleaders, though they have their place. But the kind of encouragement that nudges someone forward, steps out on the field with them, and gives practical, defined steps and goals.

In my waiting, and wondering, through the confused cobwebs of the various passions and endeavors in me, I received a true source of encouragement. An incredibly "random" connection brought me to a recording studio. Where, for the first time in my life, I have been given the chance to grow technically and practically in music. Nothing has been in my life longer than songwriting and melody making. I'll do it as long as I live, no matter what the outcome. But, so much of my journey through songwriting, has been done out of emotion, spontaneity, feelings, passion...without any structure or guidance. Some of this is chosen--my dad steered me away from being in a choir when I was young because he wanted me to find my own voice, and not necessarily develop a proper choir voice. I've inherited some of his rebellion towards systems and rules--and most of my growth has had to come through many many hours of singing to the corner of my bedroom learning to understand my own voice and sound, and how to gain control of it.

This recording studio came with the encouragement to continue to nurture the dreams of creating beautiful sound and melody, but in a way that is not solely dependent on the ambiguous side of music in creating/songwriting/emotion capturing. Of which, as I explained earlier, has been quite silent for me anyway during this pregnancy.

I can grow as a vocalist when I see the issues in pitch correction, as a composer when I look for creating dynamics through the song in editing, as an instrumentalist when I hear and work to improve the the tone and quality of the recording, as a music appreciator when I hear other peoples music through new ears, knowing what work goes into creating beautifully captured music. And being able to learn, and grow tangibly, and use parts of my brain that aren't only about expressing and forming, gives a solid and satisfying direction and interaction with this music in my soul.

In this experience, I got to be a recipient of encouragement.

In close...

From the "Elusive" lessons on this journey through pregnancy, I see ironically enough, that the overarching lesson is not so elusive after all.

We can look at creation to explain this. I'm currently memorizing through song, Psalm 104 (read it here). It is filled with dynamic imagery of the wisdom in which God has created the earth and all that dwells in it, giving each thing specific function and purpose. Each is satisfied differently. I find validation in the longings in me here. Longings that are eternal while affecting the temporal, and require practical actions in order to live out this human experience as I have been designed to do so. I also find comfort in being reminded that when we wait for Him, He will give us our "food" in due season. And though there are moments I ache with a sort of soulful hunger to live out and in my individual niche, I see the ways, even in that ache, that He provides beauty.

Whether that be growing to contain a more compassionate heart for others as I gain understanding through my own emotional struggle and deep questions, or by teaching me about my own cross and life in context with Jesus in the waiting, or by using the presently unused ambition in me to come alongside others pursuits, or by receiving practical steps and direction to act on....it all comes back to the reality that when our lives are living for and towards a good Leader and Designer, there is no waste. No mere tickling of feel good senses while ignoring the underlying issues. No dream that needs to wither and die. No emotion that needs to be snuffed out or powered through. No need to always love the moment and accept everything as it is... Instead, there is freedom to be an individual. Unconfined by the worlds expectations, while confined by the Creator's design. In our "Creator's confinement", whatever form that takes, we can be given a freedom to live in our complexity.

In that, there is a specific sort of settling in and orienting our facets in their right context and place in time.

And from there, we may find our defined function and purpose in circumstances that would otherwise make those things seem, entirely.......elusive.

M