Have This Attitude

The past month has kinda beat me up.  Moving, sickness, changes, relationship challenges, toddlerhood demands, invasive dreams, sleeplessness, mountains of homework, projects needing started/continued/finished, ongoing unexpectedness, hosting people on whims and vulnerable states of being unprepared, circumstances far beyond my control, and a general state of overwhelmed helplessness and feeling extremely far from the person I thought I was.

Yet with all the mishaps and frustrations, there have been some beautiful messy moments of community and self-denying liberations.  Of finding purpose in mundane and peace in chaos.

I've had to let go of some things that are part of my identity for a season, I've had to let go of my "put-togetherness" and be extremely vulnerable when I didn't feel like it. I've had to receive Truth when it felt way too cliche.

I looked at Jesus, and I'm like, dude, you don't get it. Sure you experienced humanhood, but there is nothing quite like motherhood with a complete dependence on you at all times in the midst of trying to survive your own existence and at least partially function in society.

But then...I was gently silenced. Oh yeah, you know those times Jesus left crowds to be alone in solitude. It wasn't because their needs were all met and His work was finished. In fact, every person at all times can only ever have their real needs met in Him. If there's someone who has experienced the depths of the walls of expectation and neediness of life, surely He has.

So, circumstances haven't changed. There are still a ton of things that feel impossible for me to get through.

But, it's "having this attitude" and being able to walk away from the needs at times and rest in the only source of Life that will give me the capacity to function through the rest of it. It's also "having this attitude" that maybe the things I think "I need" aren't really the things I actually need and to receive the path to Life from the only source of Life, even if it seems as if I've disappeared behind my skin for a while and nobody is very impressed at all with anything I'm doing or saying.

Have This Attitude 2 minute Song Link

I'm letting a foundation be built, one that is underground. And in order for that to happen, I need to stop looking at works and start letting my heart be worked ON through whatever ground-digging, soil churning painfully disruptive process is needed. The fruits and visible beauties will come in season.

There was a moment this past week when I thought I might just be the most wealthy person in the world. 'Twas a beautiful feel-good kind of perfect day where everything one could want is presently experienced in the immediate surroundings.  Two days later, many unexpected twists came into that plot and deeply challenged the foundation I stand on.

To my surprise, though the circumstances quickly shifted as sand beneath and around me, there was an incredible anchor of Peace that sailed me through those particular moments. I have truly never seen such stability in myself.  So maybe my music, writing, and social skills have taken a turn for the worst lately, but the exchange for the hidden foundation being built underneath all those things showed it's rugged beauty on that day.

And for that, 

I'll be back world, but for now, I'm going underground for a bit.

M