Bursting this Bubble: Change Ahead

Our Wayfaring feet have been feeling antsy for change for a while now.  Domestic motherhood lifestyle is a beast I've been weary of wrestling with pretty much ever since it began. We pondered ways of traveling the world with our babes.  Considered a one way ticket to the tip of S.America and living in a van and trying to make a way of life somehow there.  Open a hostel?  We felt air come into our lungs with the prospect of movement and wide horizons again. 

But then, one night around a fire, we probed and pondered our life journey as a family a bit more deeply....as time with a fire usually lends itself well to.   

And we had some sobering moments as dreams were brought back to down to the earth. 

You see, back home 1485 miles from me,

is my 63 year old father, diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. 

HOW can we live on in such colorful lives,

our own protected bubble from other realities,

of family that age,

a grandma that's 90,

a mother that lives with depression cos she so misses her grandbabies,

another mother that would just love to have a casual lunch,

We're so tired of dramatic meltdowns that happen when too much is crammed in,

to a two week visit, I'm so sick of making plans! 

So yeah, it makes sense, to consider a move back to Michigan for a while,

guess we'll consider Detroit, be part of its revival?

So there it was.  Our new plan.  We would move to Detroit to be (somewhat) nearer to our family for our next chapter.  We considered opening a hostel there too, to nourish our need for color and change.   We sat with the idea for many months, and finally told our family and a few friends our plan.

How can you toss away family, even if it comes in a package of freezing cold,

crumbling decaying city, all the Michigan stuff feels sooo depressing and old.

The more we sat with the idea, the more we looked at "buying houses" in Detroit...the more and more we felt this heavy blanket.  It felt like we were getting squeezed into a shape we aren't meant to be.  We looked at crumbling houses in Detroit.  And...we just couldn't do it.  It wasn't the raw and haphazard state of the city, not even the cold that was the deterrent.  It was with resounding clarity that we both knew, we are both moving way to quickly, making changes, making moves, and we're not the least bit interested in a long term commitment such as homes and investing in a city's revival for the long haul.  Not for now at least.

Yet, we couldn't reconcile the pulling need to be near family, with other strongly opposing forces of opportunity and beauty happening for us both here in Austin.

...cos there's Corey and I, who are starting to bloom.

He quit that job of 3 years to work with the mystery man,

they're true entrepreneurs, and the dude's name is Ryan,

building a company, being his own boss,

making enough to support our family, this is the stuff!

The stuff we came for!

My music, and I'm creating a performance piece,

with spoken word, dance, drawings, songs, movements, even using my bare feet!

Liberated from the system of the city,

finding joy in motherhood,

finding balance within and between these outlets,

life was just getting good!

We lived in a tug of war for many months. It felt impossible to reconcile the contradictory needs we were having as a family.

And then, during my dish washing mind wandering time, all the drifting pieces softly landed into a place that fit, settled, and made perfect sense.  Though not conventional sense I suppose.

In full support of Corey's new business venture, we shall part ways as a family for much of the summer.  Corey will live homeless in Austin between his multitude of cross country trips for the company he is co-founder in called Defy Athletix (check them out here).  His primary modes of sustenance and housing will be from a 1984 Volvo, backpack, & tiny office room.

While he is dashing around the nation, I'll make a home in the Northern Michigan woods with the kids.  On my parents property, we will build a summer life around and within the romantic sloped walls of my mothers self-made tipi that she lived in for 3 summers almost 40 years ago.

I will also be embarking on my own inner journey.  I have wrestled every step of the way during my motherhood path to maintain my own creative identity.  Along the way there have been plenty of voices who have suggested the "put your dreams on hold until the kids are older" approach to my creative woes. And honestly, it would be a heck of a lot "easier" if I let dreams go and settled into a routine focused on the kids.  Unfortunately, I would die in my soul if I did that, and my children would have only an empty shell for a mother.  No, I have fought, and fought, and fought to nurture and protect this flame in me.

And then, slowly, over weeks and months, all tangible kinds of outlets started pouring in.

I found myself, in a colorful whirlwind.

After years and years of creative isolation,

I found myself on an artists vacation.

It became then, more a matter of choosing and priorities,

between projects, collaborations, too many beautiful opportunities.

"You're starting to bloom" said a dear friend,

I knew it was true.

Though invisible to the touch, or sights, or descriptions,

there was and is a voice and color beginning to find its shape.

I will be committing myself to my work, at last, in much longer chunks of time, as I will have family to help be the "village" that is so needed in the relentless, weighty, demanding, and beautiful care of raising children. This Austin chapter of our lives has been vibrant and has filled us again and again with good things, but I gotta get out of this domestic cage. I'm at a tipping point now where I must explore this color and sound at a larger frequency and expand my lungs and breathe in some fresh wild open Michigan air.

So thank you Austin, for your treasures and and your trials,

we embrace this now chapter and trust the next, whatever it is, to be worthwhile. 

What we do know is the time has come in our journey,

our wayfaring feet must move once more,

which doesn't necessarily mean we're shutting this door.

We honestly have no idea what the fall might contain. It may well contain more pieces of Austin, it may well not. But for now, what we do know, is this summer has opened its arms wide to receive our family with a much needed embrace of adventure.

And so I am glad to say, with much joy and fear, we are hereby bursting this bubble.

I need to step outside this little domestic bubble, and breathe, just BREATHE in.

Something big, colorful, wild, untamed,

take time to examine and grow into my name.

Beloved Pearl's aren't just found, they're sought out. 

Stay tuned
<3 M