Humility, Hormones and Happiness

Three things are happening with the progression of this growth:

Humility, Hormones, and Happiness.

Humility:

Humility comes when my brain malfunctions at critical points in the day, like currency transactions or complicated trains of logic or searching for adequate words to convey the depth of the circumstances. That's one thing the Hormones have affected.  I can confidently say that it's not a matter of laziness on my part or lack of schooling...as my claim to "Bachelors degree with double majors before turning 21" fades into an irrelevant sense of entitlement.  

It's merely motherhood that humbles me. All the emotions, hormones and changes simultaneously occurring absolutely beyond my control.   

Humility is also somewhat forced upon me with the constant flow of comments and suggestions.  

Part of my independent nature doesn't like to be pampered, it likes to "prove" how capable and strong I am. 

Part of my independent nature doesn't like to be forced into presumed boxes of any kind of stereotypical anything.  

My independent nature is completely and entirely dependent on being UNCONVENTIONAL and rebellious to the norm in the most wholesome ways possible.

These things are awesome and terrible to live with.  Because that independent part of me means, that every person that treats me that I'm in some kind of need of absolute pampering because I'm growing a baby, is unfortunately subject to the automatically trained defenses of my independent-unconventional-super-proving-it-to-everybody-something side. Oh how that thing just flairs up with a fiery passion.  

This kind of passion comes from many years of seeking to prove abroad that NOT ALL AMERICANS LIKE HAMBERGERS, or are super disrespectful, or only live in Hollywood, or have sex all the time, or can only speak English...ETCETERA right?!  

So in the same way, a part of me so deeply, and innately wants to prove that NOT ALL PREGNANT WOMAN need papering, or can't carry heavy objects, or eat ice cream all day, or cry all the time (okay, never mind, maybe that one is a little closer to true..), or all of the sudden become helpless organisms fighting for their life to grow one.  For goodness sake, when we look beyond the borders of our relatively safe-haven USA, and see the kinds of things women endure before, during and after labor, it can make us reconsider our pampering to a degree, that we as a nation are so often quite subject to.

I get it, some pregnancies hit women really hard, therefore they need a community to support them with suggested pamperings and so forth.  But, all admittance of my super independent and slightly defensive nature aside, I am one blessed with health, blessed with physical endurance, in a country that supplies far more comforts than I could ever need, and I am simply trying to fight a tendency (of response) larger than myself in a nation that often takes it's blessings for granted.  So basically, while not using the grounds of Hormone induced changes to stand on for pampering entitlements, I also realize, I need one huge dose of Humility to get through these next 4 and a half months of growing this precious life.  

So as my baby has grown from the "size of an apple" to the "size of a pepper", I acknowledge the Hormones and challenges will continually increase.  So, with the right amount of Humility, I can begin to appreciate people's attempts to help.  Realizing that they are acknowledging the incredible transition I'm in, and don't always know the best way to verbalize that.  Humility helps me see the tenderness in people's comments or suggestions, as a desire to protect and support the growth of this life.

I mean, doesn't the fact that Human Females have the most traumatic child birthing experience out of any, any, any living creature on this Earth, kind of, sort of, definitely give some relevancy to Genesis 1 and irrelevancy to some "apes are my grandfathers" t.h.e.o.r.y?  I'm not just gonna go on with my life doing all the same routines I've always done, like "grandmomma ape" then one day casually pop this kid out and get on with my routine.  NO! Human Children are an absolutely beautiful and invigorating disruption to our routine cycles of living.

And for that.  I welcome Humility and Grace from the people in my community.  Sorry for my independent-proving-you-that-I'm-capable-nature comments I may have made along the way.  This is an incredibly challenging process.  And though I AM capable of lifting heavy things, running several miles with a new weight bouncing on my bladder, and of eating vegetables rather than ice cream (which, I've had no desire for by the way)....I AM also capable of growing towards Humility amidst the Hormones towards the fact that, though I will always be unconventional and unique in nature, there is simply, no 'need' to 'prove' it to anybody.  Nobody 'needs' to know how many miles I can run, or the extent of the heavy boxes I can lift while proceeding with another life tucked inside me, they just 'need' to know, that they are appreciated for caring.

I'm realizing, that receiving help doesn't always mean, needing help.  And that's HUGE to learn before a child comes in wanting to help make dinner...among other things I will assuredly come to learn.

Still though, I'm not going to use it as grounds for entitlement.
Though Hormones may provoke more emotions, they do not justify those that are handled improperly.
Though Hormones may provoke more physical needs, they simply cannot justify excessive laziness.
Though Hormones may provoke whatever, all things must be approached with great Humility.

Which brings me to my next train of thought.  Humility brings overwhelming Happiness.

As I grow deeper and deeper in Love with the Father of my child and Husband of my youth I am continually Humbled by his grace towards me.  When I look back at my college years with the distorted relationship struggles I was in, his friendship and grace was always, consistently, extended towards me.  He has never, ever, ever, left my side.  Even when I strayed far away from who I was in the pursuits I was on.  He has been Christ to me before I even grasped the depth of 'that name'.

As I grow forward in this pursuit of life and refinement, I also am enabled to look backward at some of my most painful memories.  Memories that, at the time, I thought were "free" and "happy."  But, compared to the Happiness I am encountering, through a covenant marriage with my Husband, and through willingly, gladly serving my Creator in all that He desires for me....the depth and richness of Happiness exceeds all that I was ever able to attain in my own strength.  When I played "god" over my own life, that form of happiness was a temporary excuse for something far greater than I had ever known or had even entered my mind.

Now, as the Humility journey brings me through the Hormones in a life-bringing way, I ponder upon all that I was brought out of, and what Joy is set before me on a new life-long endeavor of Motherhood...and...

the Happiness exceeds beyond smiles and fulling pursuits.

the Happiness remains even when I am lost in confused tears.

the Happiness is showing me it's width, depth, length, and height, of an ever expanding universe all contained in the great pursuit of Humility and Repentance and Love on a cross.

This is, the Happiness that comes from Receiving.  No proving, doing, earning, achieving necessary. Done.

And that, my friends, is currently rocking my Pregnancy-Making-Motherhood World.

M

PS.  Psalm 139 referenced from the last blog recording is complete with my very home-made, and quite disconcerting "music video", aiming to admire the effects of the impact of expression.  Enjoy!

Link to Psalm 139 Video